The year in retrospect.

Monday, Dec. 12, 2005 ~ 4:00 p.m.

I'm going back through the years that my diary has been in existence and picking out some important entries, and also for this year, posting a bit from the first entry of each month. Just to give you an idea of my life for the last year. I sorta stole this idea from Lyssette and expounded on it.

2005
January: My how I wish this had lasted -- January made me brave. The beginning of a new year always does, it makes me feel brave for a time, and then things go down the drain a bit, I'll admit.

I don't need another PERSON to complete me, and so therefore I will stop blaming my imperfections on the fact that someone doesn't like me, or that I am alone when I feel like I should have someone there. I will learn to rely on myself better and get in touch with my actual self instead of making vague, characteristic gestures when it comes to explaining myself and/or understanding what it is that I need at any point in time. I will take responsibility for my flaws and realize that not everyone has to love me.

February: The end of the Christmas holiday and the beginning of a new semester at school marked the beginning of my social phobias surrounding university.

I hate being late - I would rather not go at all than walk in late and everyone notice me and everything.

March: My mother can be highly unreasonable with how much she cares and nags about you about little things, and other times, she can be ridiculously nonchalent about things. Especially when it comes to mental health/physical health issues, she usually tries to write it off as something miniscule and unimportant, and I know why.

My mom's first question? "Did you wear your bite plate last night?"

She's always been like this. I know that it's not because she doesn't love me and doesn't care about my health, but she always tries to chalk my horrible symptoms up to something simple, even though it typically is something very simple.

April: April dawned and then there was the beginning of the job from hell, or maybe just when I realized that it was, regardless of having known it forever.

"Hi I'm Olga from Carlson Wagonlit Travel I have clients flying in to hawaii on april 27th at eight pm and then returning the vehicle on the 5th of may at the same time, they are coming in on Air Canada flight 876 and using their americanexpress card they are a member of CAA and they want the best possible price on a minivan."

May: And so I am doomed to a life of perpetual unhappiness. Another something that I always really knew, but only just realized -- it was nice to be able to put it into words, though.

I have an awful tendancy to fall for guys that are completely unreachable, not forward or open at all - that have sordid histories and seem to be on the wrong track at any given time. That have vices and bad habits and that sort of thing -- those men are virtually irresistable to me.

June: More travel agents to make me crazy, all through the summer. It seems that although I dropped the idiots from the US on the Gen Res floor, I picked up the rude, self-important travel agents from Canada.

Dear East Indian Sounding Travel Agent,

It is not my responsability to teach you how to use the internet. If you don't know how to use it, take a computer course or something. I don't have the time to sit with you for ten minutes, teaching you how to follow links and arguing with you over whether the reason our website is loading or not is because of the connectivity of your network.

July: My new life of being a wonderful socialite and having amazing times with my friends, short lived as it was, did inspire some great lines. I really did try my best over the summer.

I don't have the ambition, I go through hot-cold periods with this diary. Hmmm. Anyhow, I just thought I would let you all know I am sitting here in my tshirt and panties, and last night I was drunker than I have ever been, and my eye feels like someone stabbed me in it last night.

August: The end of July marked a very sad time for me. I still miss my Niko to no end, and I think that that whole episode with Nikers was really the beginning of my campaign against myself being a pet owner. I was also reminded just how little I actually like people.

Last weekend, my dad caught my cat, Niko, killing his baby meat rabbits. Something had been taking dad's rabbits and quail and before that ducklings for a couple of weeks and we could never find what it was. So anyhow, dad spared his life but required that I find Niko a new home, and we dropped him off on Saturday, a little stressful. Also, some people have been talking about buying my two year old filly for about eight months now and I figured when they said they were coming up on Saturday, they would be bringing money and committing to a purchase. Nope, they wasted our time again. They came, put her through a ton and then said they would call us if they decided to buy her.

September: And the end of August only confirmed it.

We took Tubbi to the vet last night and the prognosis was.. inconclusive. No temperature, no problems with kidneys, etc, Gordon immediately suspected Feline Leukemia. Gordon has been so good to me since I started getting my own animals and paying my own bills. We showed up ten minutes after the evening clinic that he runs from the basement of his home closed, and stayed for forty minutes.

October: September took me through it's highs and lows. I enjoyed a wonderful trip to London and when I got back, began to imagine myself in a position that I was not really in.

You learn something new everyday..

Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me?
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay?
That there's someone out there who feels just like me..
There is..

It starts as a sharp tickle in my nose, until it turns into the burning embers of tears escaping. And I just can't stop them.

November: This entire fall season has been spent imagining that I was more important to someone than I actually was, and that I was in a position that I wasn't. At least I have a good imagination, that's something to be proud of, although I haven't been proud of my actions.

You know how when you see someone who's tired, you can see it in their eyes? When they're tired both physically and emotionally, you can tell just by their general air, but there's no quite anything you can really place your finger on pertaining to how tired they are? Or what tells you that they're tired.

December: This month, all of the nasty travel agents, unprepared callers, rude ignoramuses, hang ups, early mornings, aching eyes from staring at the computer for 8 hrs a day, earaches from my headset, scary co workers and the stress of losing Denis all finally got to me, and I started the month with depression.

I think I am going to try and see a doctor about going on stress leave. I am having massive tension headaches, losing sleep, and experiencing a good deal of depression at the fault of my job. I am depressed. I sleep all the time. On my weekends and on my days off, I sleep as much as I can, no matter what time I go to bed, I always sleep until the last minute. Because languishing in bed is easier than being awake and feeling nothing. At least when you're asleep, you dream, and when you dream, you experience emotions that you just can't otherwise feel.

It's so hard to explain the feeling I am feeling right now. Washed out? Severe? Minimalized?

I am hoping that things will come around.